forward: you might not be riding a real motorcycle if:

[PauL M. Bober]

You Might Not Be Riding A Real Motorcycle If ... * Your motorcycle has a reverse gear. * You don't kill bugs with your helmet. * You installed a cup holder. * Your wheels have metal spokes. * It takes NO skill to ride. * Your motorcycle has more than two headlights. * Your motorcycle has a redline below 10,000 RPM. * Your motorcycle has a heater. * You have to use an intercom to talk to your passenger. * Your motorcycle won't wheelie (aka "You Can't Get The Front End Up Without A Crane" Syndrome). * The dry weight is greater than 550 lbs. * Your motorcycle has a trailer hitch. * You have a hard point for the attachment of a sidecar. * Your motorcycle takes longer than 5 seconds to get to 60mph. * Your motorcycle doesn't have a chain. * Your motorcycle is more loud than fast. * Your seat is right over the rear tire. * Your headlight has a shroud. * Your taillight has a color dot. * You have a cruise control. * Black is the only color that accessorizes well. * You need more than two people to put it on the center stand. * It has a center stand. * You installed a sissy bar. * Tattoos are required for ownership. * Tasseled chaps and vest are the proper dress code for riding. * The riding position is perfectly comfortable. * Your passenger has a full seat behind you. * You got your helmet at a WW II Axis surplus sale. * You have a tattoo of your bike. * You're the sixth owner in four years. * Your wife has a tattoo of your bike. * There is a plastic skull over your headlight. * Your rearview mirrors are shaped like German iron crosses. * Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet tall. * Your motorcycle has a 40 channel CB, and a AM-FM Stereo Cassette. * You have an antennae on your bike. * You paid more than $14,000 for a USED bike! * Your seat has springs under it. * You have matching studded leather saddlebags. * Your helmet has a spike on top of it. * Your grandfather rode a bike just like it when he was a young man. * Most of your bike's highway time was spent tied down in the back of a pickup truck. * Your rear tire has a mud flap. * Your riding buddies are named "Skull", "Bone", and "Skeeter". * You have more than 4 reflectors on your bike. * You ever had to worry about jack-knifing the trailer that you were towing behind your bike. * You got a free logo embossed wallet on a chain promotional when you took delivery of your bike from the dealer. * You can't adjust your suspension. * Your dog likes to go for rides on it. * Your passenger can fall asleep while riding. * Your spark plug caps light up. * You have to turn your headlight on manually. * Your engine isn't liquid cooled. * Your air cleaner rattles and shakes when you twist the throttle. * You have floorboards instead of foot pegs. * You have six cylinders, six carburetors, and still can't get down the quarter mile in less than twelve and a half seconds. * Your bike has more colored lights than a Christmas tree. * Your engine size is measured in cubic inches instead of CC's. * You ever bought or installed billet aluminum accessories for your bike. * Magazine ads for your bike feature bearded overweight older men with odious personal habits and a fetish for leather and chains. * The head mechanic at your dealer has both arms covered in tattoos and answers only to the name of "Snake Daddy." * The name of your motorcycle includes any of the following words "Heritage", "Classic", "Vintage", "King", "Glide", "Tourer", "Re tro", "Road", "Highway", "Dyna", "Ultra", "Springer", "Soft", "Hard", "Tail", or "Star". * No one looks at you funny when you ride into a truck stop. * The same people who built your bike just introduced their own line of cigarettes. * The only instrumentation on your bike is a big fat speedometer that goes all the way up to 85 mph. * The name of your bike doesn't include a capital R somewhere in it. * You ever installed highway cruising pegs. * The dealership where you bought your bike is not a place you would take your children. * The dealer offers a line of black leather accessories for your model. * You bought it because you thought that others would think you were bad. * People lock their doors when you pull up next to them at an intersection. * You paid good money to have someone pin-stripe it. * At idle, your pipes are louder than the stereo in the low-rider next to you. * You installed a windshield that raises and lowers electronically. * You just spent three hours polishing chrome and one hour riding. * Your engine has less than four valves per cylinder. * The ignition key goes in on the side. * Your bike has any kind of mural or artwork on it. * Your exhaust pipes have fins on the tips. * You have to kick-start your engine. * You have your nickname or CB handle etched into your windshield. * Your engine has case crash guards installed. * It has more than two wheels and is street driven. * The Shriner's Parade has bikes like yours. * A aftermarket company offers a trike conversion kit for your particular model. * Your speedometer is located in the top of your gas tank. * Your motorcycle has more than 40 pounds of chrome on it. * Aftermarket companies don't make carbon fiber ANYTHING for your type of bike. * People can hear you riding from two miles away, with the factory pipes. * Your motorcycle has parts from more than five different models, from the factory! * The company you bought your motorcycle from makes more money from selling logo T-shirts and wallets on a chain than they do from selling motorcycles. * Your bike is in the dealer for factory work more often than its on the road. * You had to wait for a year on a waiting list just to get your bike and / or pay a non-refundable deposit. * The angle and position of your handlebars keeps your hands higher than your shoulders when you ride (aka Ape Hangers). * Truck drivers like it. * Your brand new bike wouldn't even crank at the dealer. * You have to put both feet on the ground when you stop. * You have tassels hanging anywhere from your bike. * Your ass is less than 2 feet off the ground when you ride. * Your quarter mile times are greater than twelve and a half seconds. * Your highway pegs keep your legs spread wider than the stirrups at a gynecologist's office. * You have over twelve hundred CCs of engine and less than a fifty horsepower. * You ever thought about installing a small block Chevy and a Powerglilde. * Your bike is brand new from the showroom and still looks like it was made in 1944. * You ever dropped your bike on its side and instantly did $400 worth of improvement to it. From a different user group ... but still very funny! PauL M. Bober A9