Aluminum etc.

[Bob McKarney]

In the discussion of Alumin(i)um, I was surprised that TATerry did not revisit an email he sent in 1995, which explains much about the difficulties we provincials have restoring our British gems. (Those of you familiar with this, please excuse my redundancy) Since some members may be more than a little interested in metallurgy I thought the enclosed (of unknown origin) might be worth printing. Tin is the layman's general term for what the expert would call "metal". There are many different kinds of "tin". BRASS is a very useful sort of Tin. It is mined in Yorkshire, and is said to occur wherever there is muck. Out of Brass we make Monkeys, Knobs and Money. NICKEL is the sort of Tin used for making American money. LEAD is a very heavy sort of Tin, used mainly for making the middle of pencils and poisonous paint for children's toys. It is also used for roofing churches which last for hundreds of years because the heavy Lead stops them blowing away. STEEL is what people do to the Lead on church roofs. ALUMINUM is a very light sort of Tin, often used for supporting chimneys. Specially shaped hooks called Aerials anchor the chimney to the sky and stop it blowing away. They also attract lightning which is made from electricity, which is what makes television work. Aluminum is obtained from milk where it floats to the surface forming a skin. WIRE is a very thin sort of Tin. It is often used for making fences because it is so thin you can see right through it. MERCURY is a very runny sort of Tin, often confused with water. It has the remarkable property of getting longer when it gets hot and is thus ideal for making thermometers. Scientists are trying to reverse this effect, i.e. making the Mercury get hot when it gets longer in order to solve the worlds energy problems. IRON is a very flat sort of Tin, used for taking small creases out of shirts and for putting big ones in. Another sort of Iron can be used for gluing bits of Wire together. RUST is a very crumbly sort of tin, ideal for making Motor Cars. CHROME is a very shiny sort of Tin, used for holding Rust together. COPPER is a dark blue variety of Tin, used as an inert filler for Panda Cars and Football Stadiums (Stadia?) TUNGSTON, SODIUM and STRONTIUM are light sorts of Tin. Tungston grows from bulbs, Sodium grows on long stalks at the side of the road. Strontium is not as light at Sodium and Tungsten and only glows feebly in the dark. Fitted to a wristwatch it enables you to tell what time the lights went out. BARIUM is an edible sort of Tin, fed only to hospital patients suffering from transparency. GOLD is a very soft sort of Tin, much too soft to be of any use. MAGNET is a very attractive sort of Tin, which always points North. This special property makes it ideal for propelling ships. URANIUM is a very hot sort of Tin containing little gadgets called Atoms. This unique property makes it suitable for manufacturing electricity and other kinds of explosives. SILVER paper is an alloy of Tin and cardboard, widely used in the packaging industry. PLATINUM and OSMIUM are sorts of Tin used for making pens, while INDIUM is a form of Tin used for making ink. ZINC is a zort of Tin used for washing Potz and Panz. TITANIUM is a very strong sort of Tin used to reinforce ladies undergarments